Doing hard things in relationships, how to do it in a loving way.

“But I believe in the spirit of all people. And I don’t think that people do things to hurt you, specifically.”  

How do we have the hard conversations with those we care about in a loving way?  

This podcast explores my struggle with being loving while saying something is not okay by me. As I work through this and I recognize again this is the work of boundary setting again…I talk about Brene Brown’s work and her talk about the Anatomy of Trust. She pens it with a lovely acronym we can all remember: B.R.A.V.I.N.G. The first letter, is my focus point, always: Boundary setting. I think it comes up in different ways to show me that the work here is never ever officially done. It is important to recognize that the more we grow and expand into who we are, the boundaries will be needed to held up by you.

The thing that anchors me in is when I realized this…. “It is not selfish to stick up for myself. To let others know that this is not okay.”

 

We must always remember that relationships are a dance. But sometimes you must take the lead and teach the other how to dance with you.We teach people how to treat us. And when you stop and think about how you are in relationships it is important to ask yourself: How am I showing or letting others know how to treat  me?

  

What are your thoughts on saying the hard things in relationships? How did you find a loving way?

Share in the comments!

Feeling fraudulent? Here’s how to change it.

YOU are a fake! You are a phony! You have no idea what you are doing. You are a complete fraud.

 

Have you ever experienced a time when you felt like a total imposter?

 

Let’s talk about the Impostor Syndrome, when it shows up, and how there are ways we can tame its presence in our lives and learn from it.

We’ve all had Impostor Syndrome at some point in our lives. It is usually triggered by an event, a situation or a person. Of course, these events can be different for each of us, but in this post I will list three places we most often experience them. They are when,

  1. We are doing something that makes us very visible to others.
  2. We are learning something new & trying to apply it.
  3. We are comparing our talents & skills to another person.

Here is the break-down of each and what the Impostor can sound like when you are in the middle of the situation.

Number 1 – Visibility

When we are doing something that makes us very visible it can be very lonely and frightening. Take for example, speaking in front of an audience of 20 or more people. The Impostor shows up immediately because you are in a position where you stand alone, quite literally, against many. We hear this voice in our head, “Will they accept me?” “Am I good enough?”. Given that Public Speaking is a number one fear of adults it is easy to understand how very difficult this can be. We all want to feel accepted. Especially by our peer group.

Number 2 – Learning

The next common situation we can see the Impostor showing up is when we are learning something new. This can be a confronting thing for adults because we usually feel as though we know all the things, all the time. Or at least we think we should know all the things. We enter in the learning environment with a lot of ego & pride. Eventually we become overwhelmed when we don’t get it “right”. With this situation the language of the Impostor can sound like, “I’m not good enough or smart enough to learn this thing.” or “I’m too old to understand this stuff.”

Number 3 – Comparisonitis

The final situation or event that can summon the Impostor is when we compare our work or achievements against another’s. This has been commonly called, Comparisonitis. This one is around a lot thanks to the Internet and Social media. When we see someone doing that thing, that is very similar to what we are doing BUT they do it perhaps better or faster than you. This can make you feel like a total fraud. Usually you can hear this song sung in your head: “Not good enough, smart enough, you don’t know what the heck you are doing, you are not doing it right.”  All the words of the Impostor can play out on this one.

How do we get beyond the Impostor?

Well, we don’t ever actually get totally rid of the negative self-talk nor the Impostor entirely. It is part of the human condition. But there are ways you can start to get above these feelings of low self-worth or low self-esteem.

Build up awareness

The first way is to build up your awareness. As Dr. Maya Angelou said,

“When we know better, we do better.”

This takes time, consistency, and conscious effort. We have something like 80,000 thoughts a day. We also have learned some negative ways of looking at life. Between the ages of 1-6 years, we were keen observers of the caregivers around us: Mom & Dad, teachers, and other adults.  Many subliminal messages were downloaded that we weren’t even aware of because our observations and perceptions were developing. As children we were trying to make sense of things and building associations to how things work or should work. Therefore, this step will bring up some things for you that can be deep and confronting. Take time with this process.Please give yourself plenty of room for compassion and forgiveness. Start with one of the scenarios above and journal about feelings and thoughts that come up when you think about them.  This will bring awareness to it.

Feed your brain with the GOOD stuff!

Next way is to feed your mind. As you become aware you will want to do more to change the story. There are a lot of tools on how to do this. The one method of changing the way things are, is to feed your brain new positive and inspiring ideas every day. Start by listening to inspiring talks or podcasts. For instance, Ted Talks are great for inspiring and filling your mind with possibilities. You can also find a few podcasts on Itunes or Stitcher. By doing this you are retraining your brain to switch into a more optimistic brain rather than defaulting into seeking the negative Impostor talk first. My recommendation is to make this a part of your morning wake-up routine. Get your brain trained from the first moment you wake. And start the first 10,000 thoughts off right. 😉

Find your support team!

Finally, let’s talk about your support. Who has got your back? It is extremely important to surround yourself with people who know you well, are in a similar situation to yours, and have your best interests at heart. This is key for getting through those times when the Impostor can and will show up. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people who can see that you are putting yourself out there, doing something new, and might have times where you are comparing yourself to other’s work which ultimately is taking you off your game. These people can cheer you on, remind you why you took this step in learning or doing something new in the first place, and refocus you back on YOU. This is really necessary as self-love will get you far but not all the way. In other words, find your vibe tribe.

You may never get rid of the voice of the Impostor but the more you work at understanding your thoughts, filling your mind with inspiring guidance and leaning on those who love you, you will begin to see that these impostors that haunt you are NOT who you truly are. And what once was the voice of the Impostor will be replaced with the voice of your Cheerleader. And She/he/they says things like,

“You are doing so well!” “Everything you do looks effortless and flawless.” “You are enough.”

 

What do you think about Impostor Syndrome? Do you have other techniques that work for you?

Share in the comments! Let’s tackle that impostor together. 

When feeling rejected, can love be found?

HOW in the world does any of us get beyond feeling REJECTED?!

Well, it’s all about where the rejection originates. In this podcast I reflect on how and where it does originate in this one example, which is my own. What is key here is to ask:

Are you really being rejected or just feeling that way?

An important distinction to make.

Getting beyond the feeling takes time and giving it space. It is a process of healing. And you can almost never speed that up. Especially if it is a pattern in your life. But what can you do now?
You CAN do this one thing today, tomorrow and the day after that…you can see your way through it by understanding where you need to love yourself MORE. AND GIVE IT.

Lots of it, my friend.

 

Hey how did this episode hit ya?

Rejection is hard, and can feel lonely. So let’s not be lonely…connect with me by sharing what you are feeling on this topic? Find love here. <3

Got Twenty?

You are a busy woman. You can’t spare too much time between getting the kids off to school & managing your career or business. And even so, you are aware that the clock is running out on your vision. The vision of your life and how you want it. You want more EASE, feel MORE Confidence, and ready to make your move effortlessly.
You can feel it in your heart but haven’t found a way to make it happen. Probably because you feel you don’t have the time!

Time out & take TWENTY. Gift yourself twenty minutes & have a free call with me, a heart-whispering self-love coach. Come discover what IS possible by getting super clear on how to take the necessary action to get your vision up & running. Make Time your friend BEFORE its up

Episode #13: This is the biggest killer to your true self.

“There is freedom in breaking the molds. There is freedom in knowing who you truly are.”

In this podcast, I continue to explore the topic of self-worth. I bring up the one thing that seems to really kill our sense of self: Conformity! This automatic program which was installed at a very young age; the age we go to school.

I talk about my thoughts on when my child began school and how I can see it change her. It is the institution where you hear your teacher say things like, “No speaking out of turn.” “Stay in line.” This all is meant to control any chaos all the while using labels to categorize children into bad vs. good. Shaming children to conform to a social norms from the “leader” at the front of the room. This archaic institution…how does it still stand in this time of technological advancements? Maybe like me, you too struggle with this as a parent.

We’ve conformed in order to fit into a society that ultimately doesn’t include us women equally. Though a bit more than others I recognize. All this comes by making us swallow the poison of the worst distortion of womanhood…be a “good girl”. Now in my mid- 40’s I’ve been working on myself, & coaching others, to break from those poisonous conforms of society to allow for our true selves to shine. Hopefully allowing me to guide my daughter to not “FIT IN” but express from her truest self.

Conformity has led us to forget that we have our own voice. And it has created us to become insecure in relying on our own voices & hearts.

How to set comfortable boundaries without feeling icky.

BOUNDARIES!  What is it about this simple word that can stir up so much? And how come when it comes to boundaries, we don’t know how to do it where they will STICK instead of them feeling ICK-y?

Are you like me? When it comes to setting, or more accurately, holding my boundaries I can’t seem to do it with a firmness that echos through the ages never to be messed with again!  😊

Maybe it starts off with one conversation that doesn’t feel too great and then what starts off as a one-off event becomes a flood of situations that has all your boundaries called into question. They all require you to use the word no or please don’t do that again! And while this may feel daunting this is actually a good sign that the Universe is delivering to you. It is as if the Universe is saying,

“Hey girl, you are leaking energy in these “specific” situations. We need you to power up. So here are a few situations for you to work on. 😉 ”

Or in other words, learn how to do this, k.  Especially if you can count a succession of events that have called up some anger, frustration, or the like. This is really a signal that it is not enough to be aware of what is happening, it is time to do, say, & repair the boundary that is permeable.

Fortunately, the Universe delivered an answer to me via a video lesson from Kate Northrup. The class was about BOUNDARIES!  Thank you, Universe!  Her tips were great. In this article I am giving you her tip along with a few things I know about HSP (highly sensitive person)/Empathetic people & enhanced it with NVC (non-violent communication)break-down. There is a lot out there about boundaries. This is just a summary of what I have learned in my own life & from the teachers I follow. 😉 I hope this helps you get started with fortifying your own boundaries.

These are actions that are helpful to making boundaries less icky.

1. Be aware. You need to first understand that the source of your anger is coming from a boundary that was violated/crossed. For an Highly Sensitive person this may be a little harder to figure out as our boundaries are always permeable. This is because we connect with people in more ways then just using words. We connect with feelings that are sometimes not expressed out loud, so to speak. It can take days, sometimes weeks, later before you understand what happened inside that conversation that stirred up so much emotion. 

Helpful Tip: Journaling on these events can help you to find the boundary that is in question. Boundaries can be: being respected, feeling misunderstood, needing acknowledgement for your achievement, etc… The more you journal the more aware you become of your boundaries.

2. Get tools. HSP/Empathetic people would be helped by getting a few spiritual & visualization tools to help them navigate crowds & any situation that calls you to be with other people. I have a friend who specializes in helping people with this specifically, Nathasja Gootjes of Helderheid Coaching (Clarity Coaching). Her newsletter offers a wonderful tip for those of you beginning to learn about your sensitivities.

3. Take responsibility for your boundary. Once you have figured out that a boundary was crossed, you can fix it if the situation calls for it. If it is with a friend, then call her up (more on how below). If it was a stranger that you will never see again, then you can’t fix it but prepare yourself for the next time. Don’t beat yourself up every time you DON’T defend your boundary. Sometimes these incidents are there to remind you. 😉

4. Use Non-violent communication. This means to use words that do not throw blame on the other person. When one feels “violated” there is a tendency to blame. It is irrational to think that the other should know your boundary and yet we do this anyway. This is an excellent time to educate them on what you are feeling and needing from them. NVC follows 4 principles: Observe, Feel, Need & Request.  This is an example that Kate offered.

 “When you interrupt me in conversation (Observe), I feel upset (Feeling) because I feel my words are not important to you (Need). Would you be willing to allow time for me to finish my thoughts when we are in conversation? (Request)

This is a great way to maintain a solid connection between you and your friend/partner. It also opens up a meaningful conversation without throwing the other person off-balance by blaming or making them upset. And it gives you what you need. In this case, acknowledgement from your friend that what you say is important to them. That you matter.

 

How does this method feel to you?

Would you use it the next time someone crosses your boundaries?

Want a little help with finding your boundaries and setting them?

Let’s have a chat! I will go in just like a detective, help you find your boundaries then we explore what ways you could set & hold your boundaries to make them stronger. 

It is my specialty to see you as you truly are & approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.

RAISE your hand, if you are tired of being fixed.

Have you ever experienced a time where you felt like someone was fixing you?

Let me set the scene with an example that could be plucked out of real life.

You are at a party. You bumped into a friend and a conversation starts. The “How are you?” exchange kicks it off. Then at some point, the friend asks a more in-depth question that deserves a fuller answer.  If you are anything like me and consider yourself to be an honest person, then no matter the question, you always tell it like it is. Usually that means being really transparent and giving more details. What I’ve noticed is that this somehow “gives permission”or carte blanche for what comes next.  And what comes next is that you find yourself in the middle of a strategy talk. And as a result, you both have moved away from connecting as human beings and straight into how can this (you) be fixed.

Just because someone shared their vulnerability doesn’t mean they want to be fixed!

What happens to you when this is unfolding?

Well, at first you may feel a bit off.  You may also feel like you are wrong, small or not good enough because this person is in process of fixing you.  Your friend, by asking one question, has now created an incubator on how can we make You great (again). They don’t even notice that you’re not “in” the conversation anymore. You probably have stopped talking for awhile. They are so busy spinning ideas at you that you are lost in a wave of their inspired energy and incidentally loving what they are coming up with!  This energy that they created is not for you. It is for them to feel good about themselves, using your answer to their question as a way to achieve this. But that doesn’t feel too great for you.

When you are the one on the receiving end of this kind of conversation you will feel it in your solar plexus (gut) while the person is talking. And that feeling is like a warning sign saying something like, “This is not resonating.”or “This doesn’t feel right.” But you may not be sure why you are feeling that and let the conversation continue. And if you are an HSP/Empath like me, you want to stop the conversation but you are overwhelmed by their feelings and your own.  Now, here comes the people who say, “Oh just tell them to shut up and mind their own business.” Unfortunately, if we could gain some ground while it was happening then you bet we would. But it is not in the nature of an highly sensitive person to do that because we know how it feels.  We know that when we tell them to stop or “shut up”, how that will land, and feel on the other person immediately. Because we feel that too. It has very much the effect of a boomerang. Only with feelings. In a way, it is a wonderful gift because you know what you say hurts both you & the other person. So you are naturally careful when choosing your words. On the other hand, it causes you to freeze when you are in a situation where you do need to stand up for yourself. My throat closes and I smile a lot when I am in this type of situation.

Honestly, I’m still learning how to navigate this hidden talent of being an HSP/Empath. What I have come to understand about being empathetic is that we often pull in emotions and feelings of others, in a subconscious and natural way, which can confuse us with our own feelings. Often, we assume the feelings we pull in, are our own. It is important to get tools* that you can use to protect yourself so that you can hold your boundaries and ward off these types of seemingly innocent conversations.

 

What is happening in this conversation?

It is simple. We’ve all been raised in a society to find solutions to problems. We want RESULTS. When someone is solving, it is from the head. The epicenter of analytical problem solving. Which is needed and good. Let’s not make that a bad thing. But, when we go to this place, which let’s face we’ve all learned to do, we are thinking in a linear way. That means everything and everyone must fit into a proven way for success. Therefore, when someone sees a problem, they instantly detach from the person, and begin to fix. But this kind of thinking, doesn’t consider you, your feelings, & your life experience. Maybe you’ve got this handled & just experiencing a set back. There is a lot of assuming and resolving that is not considering these other factors which is YOU!  This has little to do with being compassionate of other people’s journeys or processes, when one listens to fix another person. It is almost always more about them than you. It is akin to advise giving! I’ve talked about that, here.

 

Does this situation sound familiar? What did you do?

Please share in the comments. Let’s support each other in changing our fixing habits into loving ones.

 

*A few notable resources for HSP/Empathetic people:

The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff

The Highly Sensitive person website, by Dr. Elaine Aron

 

Are you FED up with being “fixed” but you are looking for change? Do you want someone to listen and really see who you are without trying to solve you and give you advice?

Look no further!

It is my specialty to see you as you truly are and approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.