How to set comfortable boundaries without feeling icky.

BOUNDARIES!  What is it about this simple word that can stir up so much? And how come when it comes to boundaries, we don’t know how to do it where they will STICK instead of them feeling ICK-y?

Are you like me? When it comes to setting, or more accurately, holding my boundaries I can’t seem to do it with a firmness that echos through the ages never to be messed with again!  😊

Maybe it starts off with one conversation that doesn’t feel too great and then what starts off as a one-off event becomes a flood of situations that has all your boundaries called into question. They all require you to use the word no or please don’t do that again! And while this may feel daunting this is actually a good sign that the Universe is delivering to you. It is as if the Universe is saying,

“Hey girl, you are leaking energy in these “specific” situations. We need you to power up. So here are a few situations for you to work on. 😉 ”

Or in other words, learn how to do this, k.  Especially if you can count a succession of events that have called up some anger, frustration, or the like. This is really a signal that it is not enough to be aware of what is happening, it is time to do, say, & repair the boundary that is permeable.

Fortunately, the Universe delivered an answer to me via a video lesson from Kate Northrup. The class was about BOUNDARIES!  Thank you, Universe!  Her tips were great. In this article I am giving you her tip along with a few things I know about HSP (highly sensitive person)/Empathetic people & enhanced it with NVC (non-violent communication)break-down. There is a lot out there about boundaries. This is just a summary of what I have learned in my own life & from the teachers I follow. 😉 I hope this helps you get started with fortifying your own boundaries.

These are actions that are helpful to making boundaries less icky.

1. Be aware. You need to first understand that the source of your anger is coming from a boundary that was violated/crossed. For an Highly Sensitive person this may be a little harder to figure out as our boundaries are always permeable. This is because we connect with people in more ways then just using words. We connect with feelings that are sometimes not expressed out loud, so to speak. It can take days, sometimes weeks, later before you understand what happened inside that conversation that stirred up so much emotion. 

Helpful Tip: Journaling on these events can help you to find the boundary that is in question. Boundaries can be: being respected, feeling misunderstood, needing acknowledgement for your achievement, etc… The more you journal the more aware you become of your boundaries.

2. Get tools. HSP/Empathetic people would be helped by getting a few spiritual & visualization tools to help them navigate crowds & any situation that calls you to be with other people. I have a friend who specializes in helping people with this specifically, Nathasja Gootjes of Helderheid Coaching (Clarity Coaching). Her newsletter offers a wonderful tip for those of you beginning to learn about your sensitivities.

3. Take responsibility for your boundary. Once you have figured out that a boundary was crossed, you can fix it if the situation calls for it. If it is with a friend, then call her up (more on how below). If it was a stranger that you will never see again, then you can’t fix it but prepare yourself for the next time. Don’t beat yourself up every time you DON’T defend your boundary. Sometimes these incidents are there to remind you. 😉

4. Use Non-violent communication. This means to use words that do not throw blame on the other person. When one feels “violated” there is a tendency to blame. It is irrational to think that the other should know your boundary and yet we do this anyway. This is an excellent time to educate them on what you are feeling and needing from them. NVC follows 4 principles: Observe, Feel, Need & Request.  This is an example that Kate offered.

 “When you interrupt me in conversation (Observe), I feel upset (Feeling) because I feel my words are not important to you (Need). Would you be willing to allow time for me to finish my thoughts when we are in conversation? (Request)

This is a great way to maintain a solid connection between you and your friend/partner. It also opens up a meaningful conversation without throwing the other person off-balance by blaming or making them upset. And it gives you what you need. In this case, acknowledgement from your friend that what you say is important to them. That you matter.

 

How does this method feel to you?

Would you use it the next time someone crosses your boundaries?

Want a little help with finding your boundaries and setting them?

Let’s have a chat! I will go in just like a detective, help you find your boundaries then we explore what ways you could set & hold your boundaries to make them stronger. 

It is my specialty to see you as you truly are & approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.

RAISE your hand, if you are tired of being fixed.

Have you ever experienced a time where you felt like someone was fixing you?

Let me set the scene with an example that could be plucked out of real life.

You are at a party. You bumped into a friend and a conversation starts. The “How are you?” exchange kicks it off. Then at some point, the friend asks a more in-depth question that deserves a fuller answer.  If you are anything like me and consider yourself to be an honest person, then no matter the question, you always tell it like it is. Usually that means being really transparent and giving more details. What I’ve noticed is that this somehow “gives permission”or carte blanche for what comes next.  And what comes next is that you find yourself in the middle of a strategy talk. And as a result, you both have moved away from connecting as human beings and straight into how can this (you) be fixed.

Just because someone shared their vulnerability doesn’t mean they want to be fixed!

What happens to you when this is unfolding?

Well, at first you may feel a bit off.  You may also feel like you are wrong, small or not good enough because this person is in process of fixing you.  Your friend, by asking one question, has now created an incubator on how can we make You great (again). They don’t even notice that you’re not “in” the conversation anymore. You probably have stopped talking for awhile. They are so busy spinning ideas at you that you are lost in a wave of their inspired energy and incidentally loving what they are coming up with!  This energy that they created is not for you. It is for them to feel good about themselves, using your answer to their question as a way to achieve this. But that doesn’t feel too great for you.

When you are the one on the receiving end of this kind of conversation you will feel it in your solar plexus (gut) while the person is talking. And that feeling is like a warning sign saying something like, “This is not resonating.”or “This doesn’t feel right.” But you may not be sure why you are feeling that and let the conversation continue. And if you are an HSP/Empath like me, you want to stop the conversation but you are overwhelmed by their feelings and your own.  Now, here comes the people who say, “Oh just tell them to shut up and mind their own business.” Unfortunately, if we could gain some ground while it was happening then you bet we would. But it is not in the nature of an highly sensitive person to do that because we know how it feels.  We know that when we tell them to stop or “shut up”, how that will land, and feel on the other person immediately. Because we feel that too. It has very much the effect of a boomerang. Only with feelings. In a way, it is a wonderful gift because you know what you say hurts both you & the other person. So you are naturally careful when choosing your words. On the other hand, it causes you to freeze when you are in a situation where you do need to stand up for yourself. My throat closes and I smile a lot when I am in this type of situation.

Honestly, I’m still learning how to navigate this hidden talent of being an HSP/Empath. What I have come to understand about being empathetic is that we often pull in emotions and feelings of others, in a subconscious and natural way, which can confuse us with our own feelings. Often, we assume the feelings we pull in, are our own. It is important to get tools* that you can use to protect yourself so that you can hold your boundaries and ward off these types of seemingly innocent conversations.

 

What is happening in this conversation?

It is simple. We’ve all been raised in a society to find solutions to problems. We want RESULTS. When someone is solving, it is from the head. The epicenter of analytical problem solving. Which is needed and good. Let’s not make that a bad thing. But, when we go to this place, which let’s face we’ve all learned to do, we are thinking in a linear way. That means everything and everyone must fit into a proven way for success. Therefore, when someone sees a problem, they instantly detach from the person, and begin to fix. But this kind of thinking, doesn’t consider you, your feelings, & your life experience. Maybe you’ve got this handled & just experiencing a set back. There is a lot of assuming and resolving that is not considering these other factors which is YOU!  This has little to do with being compassionate of other people’s journeys or processes, when one listens to fix another person. It is almost always more about them than you. It is akin to advise giving! I’ve talked about that, here.

 

Does this situation sound familiar? What did you do?

Please share in the comments. Let’s support each other in changing our fixing habits into loving ones.

 

*A few notable resources for HSP/Empathetic people:

The Empath’s Survival Guide by Judith Orloff

The Highly Sensitive person website, by Dr. Elaine Aron

 

Are you FED up with being “fixed” but you are looking for change? Do you want someone to listen and really see who you are without trying to solve you and give you advice?

Look no further!

It is my specialty to see you as you truly are and approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.

Netwerkcafé Amsterdam: Could it be time for you to follow your heart? workshop

Could it be your time to follow your heart?

I’m hosting another workshop in Amsterdam on February 18 for Netwerkcafé Amsterdam: Werken voor Elkaar.  

In this workshop, the focus is getting into your heart instead of your head.

Some key points on this topic are:

  • Why getting back into your heart is important in career& life.
  • How to know you are not in it and how to get into it more?

The benefits of following and leading from the heart are:

  • Clarity – always knowing what direction to take and what works best for you.
  • Ease & Flow – to your life and work. No more hustle or extra effort.
  • Confidence – you can always count on yourself. No more second-guessing!
  • FUN – creating life and choosing a career on your own terms is wonderful and let’s face it, FUN

 

More Details about the event and to RSVP here.

Guided Episode #10 – How I flourished when I stopped trying to fit in.

 

“Your first impression is your ONLY impression.” Petra Fisher, talking on your presence on LinkedIn.

 

Petra and I met a few years ago when I attended a great workshop of hers on LinkedIn.  At the event I really got a feel of who Petra is, and she does not disappoint. Fun, sarcastic and just straight-forward about the things that matter the most: YOU and bringing out who you REALLY are in your LinkedIn profile. You could say we have this, being true to yourself, in common.

During the interview she even makes me more aware of how I’m not showing up in my profile! YUP the interviewer becomes the interviewee.  I left it ALL of that in, including our funny false start. You see, it wouldn’t make sense to edit out what makes this truly authentic with a woman who embodies that to the very core of her essence. So, in honor of that I kept it REAL & true to us both. Enjoy.

In this interview you will find out,

  • Petra’s journey in becoming a business owner while holding down a job.
  • How work environment doesn’t align with her personality
  • What she discovered by wearing jeans instead of a suit
  • The one time she took a job but it wasn’t quite her thing.
  • Using her strategy of following her heart (in her words, gut) in chosing how she wants to work (or IF she wants to that day), who she wants to work with, etc…
  • That being herself instead of playing a role made her work feel like magic.

More about Petra:

Petra has been featured on local TV and podcasts around the globe https://petrafisher.com/featured-on/

She shares her tips freely through her blog (when she remembers) https://petrafisher.com/blogs

You can also connect with Petra,
Facebookhttps://www.facebook.com/groups/linkedintipspetrafisher LinkedIn, https://www.linkedin.com/in/petrafisher
Twitter, https://twitter.com/petrafisher

 

A New way of working together

I’ve recently created a new coaching approach that is easy, affordable, and available to everyone to start NOW.

I decided that 2019 is the year I want to coach more people. And because that is my mission, I wanted to make it easy for anyone who is ready for coaching to be able to have access to coaching AND find the right approach for them.

These coaching sessions are named Jump into your heart, are intended to help anyone (yes it is open to both men and women) to get started in coaching as soon as today. I love what I do so why not make it easier.  This is the newest offer out of the 3 ways we can work together. The other 2 options are the online program: Full Heart Meditation program & my signature coaching program: Follow your heartIf you take a look that one got a bit of revamp on pricing as well! 

When you love what you do, the numbers aren’t what matter, it is about the people who have big dreams ready to be realized. I want to be the coach for them/you! 

If you are ready, I would love for you to be my next client!

Check out the video to learn more OR click the button to get started today!

A fresh new year to start speaking from your heart!

Next living room session is January 23, 2019

Happy new year! This will be the first living room session of the Speak from your heart for 2019. These meetings have become really special, supportive, and most of all, FUN! 

Since March of 2018, I began these living room sessions out of a longing to connect more with women.  I wanted to make it should be easy for any one to come,  a place where it can be fun, and to make it a small group so it could be safe to speak about those really deep things that lie inside us. What I have seen over the last several months is that more women are joining me ready to share their stories, their laughter, and also(big bonus), their food! I really enjoy meeting each of you who come to join in our meeting.

Could you be ready to join us for the next one? 
We would love to have you! ♥

Here is how we roll with these meetings.  Every month I host this event in the comfort of my home (otherwise known as, the living room). Together, we create a safe place for us to feel comfortable and able to talk about what resides deep in our hearts. All topics are open. There will be no photos of attendees, no live streams, no videos, or anything of the sort.  We hold a pact that all things shared in the room are not for the public.  Keeping it confidential, keeps us safe and allows us to open our hearts.

As always it is open for 8 women. Tea, Coffee, and snacks are provided.  We are happy to receive your baked goods and snacks if you would like to share some. 🙂

In order to secure one of these 8 spots, please “purchase” a ticket at the link provided. It is a free event. However, some details will not be published and therefore by purchasing a ticket and providing an email, you will receive more details about the event AND your spot will be reserved for this month.

Need more information or do you have any questions? Ask here. 🙂

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