Feeling fraudulent? Here’s how to change it.

YOU are a fake! You are a phony! You have no idea what you are doing. You are a complete fraud.

 

Have you ever experienced a time when you felt like a total imposter?

 

Let’s talk about the Impostor Syndrome, when it shows up, and how there are ways we can tame its presence in our lives and learn from it.

We’ve all had Impostor Syndrome at some point in our lives. It is usually triggered by an event, a situation or a person. Of course, these events can be different for each of us, but in this post I will list three places we most often experience them. They are when,

  1. We are doing something that makes us very visible to others.
  2. We are learning something new & trying to apply it.
  3. We are comparing our talents & skills to another person.

Here is the break-down of each and what the Impostor can sound like when you are in the middle of the situation.

Number 1 – Visibility

When we are doing something that makes us very visible it can be very lonely and frightening. Take for example, speaking in front of an audience of 20 or more people. The Impostor shows up immediately because you are in a position where you stand alone, quite literally, against many. We hear this voice in our head, “Will they accept me?” “Am I good enough?”. Given that Public Speaking is a number one fear of adults it is easy to understand how very difficult this can be. We all want to feel accepted. Especially by our peer group.

Number 2 – Learning

The next common situation we can see the Impostor showing up is when we are learning something new. This can be a confronting thing for adults because we usually feel as though we know all the things, all the time. Or at least we think we should know all the things. We enter in the learning environment with a lot of ego & pride. Eventually we become overwhelmed when we don’t get it “right”. With this situation the language of the Impostor can sound like, “I’m not good enough or smart enough to learn this thing.” or “I’m too old to understand this stuff.”

Number 3 – Comparisonitis

The final situation or event that can summon the Impostor is when we compare our work or achievements against another’s. This has been commonly called, Comparisonitis. This one is around a lot thanks to the Internet and Social media. When we see someone doing that thing, that is very similar to what we are doing BUT they do it perhaps better or faster than you. This can make you feel like a total fraud. Usually you can hear this song sung in your head: “Not good enough, smart enough, you don’t know what the heck you are doing, you are not doing it right.”  All the words of the Impostor can play out on this one.

How do we get beyond the Impostor?

Well, we don’t ever actually get totally rid of the negative self-talk nor the Impostor entirely. It is part of the human condition. But there are ways you can start to get above these feelings of low self-worth or low self-esteem.

Build up awareness

The first way is to build up your awareness. As Dr. Maya Angelou said,

“When we know better, we do better.”

This takes time, consistency, and conscious effort. We have something like 80,000 thoughts a day. We also have learned some negative ways of looking at life. Between the ages of 1-6 years, we were keen observers of the caregivers around us: Mom & Dad, teachers, and other adults.  Many subliminal messages were downloaded that we weren’t even aware of because our observations and perceptions were developing. As children we were trying to make sense of things and building associations to how things work or should work. Therefore, this step will bring up some things for you that can be deep and confronting. Take time with this process.Please give yourself plenty of room for compassion and forgiveness. Start with one of the scenarios above and journal about feelings and thoughts that come up when you think about them.  This will bring awareness to it.

Feed your brain with the GOOD stuff!

Next way is to feed your mind. As you become aware you will want to do more to change the story. There are a lot of tools on how to do this. The one method of changing the way things are, is to feed your brain new positive and inspiring ideas every day. Start by listening to inspiring talks or podcasts. For instance, Ted Talks are great for inspiring and filling your mind with possibilities. You can also find a few podcasts on Itunes or Stitcher. By doing this you are retraining your brain to switch into a more optimistic brain rather than defaulting into seeking the negative Impostor talk first. My recommendation is to make this a part of your morning wake-up routine. Get your brain trained from the first moment you wake. And start the first 10,000 thoughts off right. 😉

Find your support team!

Finally, let’s talk about your support. Who has got your back? It is extremely important to surround yourself with people who know you well, are in a similar situation to yours, and have your best interests at heart. This is key for getting through those times when the Impostor can and will show up. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people who can see that you are putting yourself out there, doing something new, and might have times where you are comparing yourself to other’s work which ultimately is taking you off your game. These people can cheer you on, remind you why you took this step in learning or doing something new in the first place, and refocus you back on YOU. This is really necessary as self-love will get you far but not all the way. In other words, find your vibe tribe.

You may never get rid of the voice of the Impostor but the more you work at understanding your thoughts, filling your mind with inspiring guidance and leaning on those who love you, you will begin to see that these impostors that haunt you are NOT who you truly are. And what once was the voice of the Impostor will be replaced with the voice of your Cheerleader. And She/he/they says things like,

“You are doing so well!” “Everything you do looks effortless and flawless.” “You are enough.”

 

What do you think about Impostor Syndrome? Do you have other techniques that work for you?

Share in the comments! Let’s tackle that impostor together. 

When feeling rejected, can love be found?

HOW in the world does any of us get beyond feeling REJECTED?!

Well, it’s all about where the rejection originates. In this podcast I reflect on how and where it does originate in this one example, which is my own. What is key here is to ask:

Are you really being rejected or just feeling that way?

An important distinction to make.

Getting beyond the feeling takes time and giving it space. It is a process of healing. And you can almost never speed that up. Especially if it is a pattern in your life. But what can you do now?
You CAN do this one thing today, tomorrow and the day after that…you can see your way through it by understanding where you need to love yourself MORE. AND GIVE IT.

Lots of it, my friend.

 

Hey how did this episode hit ya?

Rejection is hard, and can feel lonely. So let’s not be lonely…connect with me by sharing what you are feeling on this topic? Find love here. <3

Got Twenty?

You are a busy woman. You can’t spare too much time between getting the kids off to school & managing your career or business. And even so, you are aware that the clock is running out on your vision. The vision of your life and how you want it. You want more EASE, feel MORE Confidence, and ready to make your move effortlessly.
You can feel it in your heart but haven’t found a way to make it happen. Probably because you feel you don’t have the time!

Time out & take TWENTY. Gift yourself twenty minutes & have a free call with me, a heart-whispering self-love coach. Come discover what IS possible by getting super clear on how to take the necessary action to get your vision up & running. Make Time your friend BEFORE its up

Episode #13: This is the biggest killer to your true self.

“There is freedom in breaking the molds. There is freedom in knowing who you truly are.”

In this podcast, I continue to explore the topic of self-worth. I bring up the one thing that seems to really kill our sense of self: Conformity! This automatic program which was installed at a very young age; the age we go to school.

I talk about my thoughts on when my child began school and how I can see it change her. It is the institution where you hear your teacher say things like, “No speaking out of turn.” “Stay in line.” This all is meant to control any chaos all the while using labels to categorize children into bad vs. good. Shaming children to conform to a social norms from the “leader” at the front of the room. This archaic institution…how does it still stand in this time of technological advancements? Maybe like me, you too struggle with this as a parent.

We’ve conformed in order to fit into a society that ultimately doesn’t include us women equally. Though a bit more than others I recognize. All this comes by making us swallow the poison of the worst distortion of womanhood…be a “good girl”. Now in my mid- 40’s I’ve been working on myself, & coaching others, to break from those poisonous conforms of society to allow for our true selves to shine. Hopefully allowing me to guide my daughter to not “FIT IN” but express from her truest self.

Conformity has led us to forget that we have our own voice. And it has created us to become insecure in relying on our own voices & hearts.

The truth about dust bunnies & self-worth.

While pushing the vacuum cleaner, lying on my belly, fighting an army of dust bunnies a thought occurred to me, “I would really love to have someone else do this for me.” Perhaps it was that particular fight or because it was the day before my birthday, but it is when this thought arose that led to me wondering, “Why haven’t I given this to myself?”

In this podcast I talk about self-worth in a way that I think we all go through. It isn’t a set or fixed thing. It is changeable according to circumstances, situations, and needful things. I think we don’t talk about self-worth in this way. Mostly because how many people do you know are willing to fess up and say, “My self-worth is really at an all time low.” Most of us want to self-preserve & protect our pride. And we protect our pride then we sacrifice a real conversation about how we value ourselves. What happens when you qualify things you want by asking “Do I need this?” Does this ultimately cut into your sense of self-worth over time?

This is an eye-opener in the practice of self-love.  It takes some humility, vulnerability, and awareness to see where you may be falling short. But once it is seen you can change it.

 

Is it time to take stock of your self-worth? Could it be getting in the way of what you truly want in your life?

Are you ready to change that?

If you are answering YES to these questions, then I would like to invite you to have a chat with me about it. It is my specialty to see you as you truly are & approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.

How to set comfortable boundaries without feeling icky.

BOUNDARIES!  What is it about this simple word that can stir up so much? And how come when it comes to boundaries, we don’t know how to do it where they will STICK instead of them feeling ICK-y?

Are you like me? When it comes to setting, or more accurately, holding my boundaries I can’t seem to do it with a firmness that echos through the ages never to be messed with again!  😊

Maybe it starts off with one conversation that doesn’t feel too great and then what starts off as a one-off event becomes a flood of situations that has all your boundaries called into question. They all require you to use the word no or please don’t do that again! And while this may feel daunting this is actually a good sign that the Universe is delivering to you. It is as if the Universe is saying,

“Hey girl, you are leaking energy in these “specific” situations. We need you to power up. So here are a few situations for you to work on. 😉 ”

Or in other words, learn how to do this, k.  Especially if you can count a succession of events that have called up some anger, frustration, or the like. This is really a signal that it is not enough to be aware of what is happening, it is time to do, say, & repair the boundary that is permeable.

Fortunately, the Universe delivered an answer to me via a video lesson from Kate Northrup. The class was about BOUNDARIES!  Thank you, Universe!  Her tips were great. In this article I am giving you her tip along with a few things I know about HSP (highly sensitive person)/Empathetic people & enhanced it with NVC (non-violent communication)break-down. There is a lot out there about boundaries. This is just a summary of what I have learned in my own life & from the teachers I follow. 😉 I hope this helps you get started with fortifying your own boundaries.

These are actions that are helpful to making boundaries less icky.

1. Be aware. You need to first understand that the source of your anger is coming from a boundary that was violated/crossed. For an Highly Sensitive person this may be a little harder to figure out as our boundaries are always permeable. This is because we connect with people in more ways then just using words. We connect with feelings that are sometimes not expressed out loud, so to speak. It can take days, sometimes weeks, later before you understand what happened inside that conversation that stirred up so much emotion. 

Helpful Tip: Journaling on these events can help you to find the boundary that is in question. Boundaries can be: being respected, feeling misunderstood, needing acknowledgement for your achievement, etc… The more you journal the more aware you become of your boundaries.

2. Get tools. HSP/Empathetic people would be helped by getting a few spiritual & visualization tools to help them navigate crowds & any situation that calls you to be with other people. I have a friend who specializes in helping people with this specifically, Nathasja Gootjes of Helderheid Coaching (Clarity Coaching). Her newsletter offers a wonderful tip for those of you beginning to learn about your sensitivities.

3. Take responsibility for your boundary. Once you have figured out that a boundary was crossed, you can fix it if the situation calls for it. If it is with a friend, then call her up (more on how below). If it was a stranger that you will never see again, then you can’t fix it but prepare yourself for the next time. Don’t beat yourself up every time you DON’T defend your boundary. Sometimes these incidents are there to remind you. 😉

4. Use Non-violent communication. This means to use words that do not throw blame on the other person. When one feels “violated” there is a tendency to blame. It is irrational to think that the other should know your boundary and yet we do this anyway. This is an excellent time to educate them on what you are feeling and needing from them. NVC follows 4 principles: Observe, Feel, Need & Request.  This is an example that Kate offered.

 “When you interrupt me in conversation (Observe), I feel upset (Feeling) because I feel my words are not important to you (Need). Would you be willing to allow time for me to finish my thoughts when we are in conversation? (Request)

This is a great way to maintain a solid connection between you and your friend/partner. It also opens up a meaningful conversation without throwing the other person off-balance by blaming or making them upset. And it gives you what you need. In this case, acknowledgement from your friend that what you say is important to them. That you matter.

 

How does this method feel to you?

Would you use it the next time someone crosses your boundaries?

Want a little help with finding your boundaries and setting them?

Let’s have a chat! I will go in just like a detective, help you find your boundaries then we explore what ways you could set & hold your boundaries to make them stronger. 

It is my specialty to see you as you truly are & approach your concerns with an open and loving heart. I coach women to listen, trust and follow their hearts. If you are ready for a talk about what you want to bring into your life then please schedule 45 minutes with me.